Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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