member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
