The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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