What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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