I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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