it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
