Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize