Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize