smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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