Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
