I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
