Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
