I wish I could teleport
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
