Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
