I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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