Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Holy sore nipples Batman
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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