Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
