Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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