Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
