Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
