I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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