My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
