Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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