Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
