Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
