I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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