Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
