Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
