Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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