if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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