awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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