My nipple is on Facebook.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
