Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Mom said you looked used
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
