matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
