He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize