if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
