you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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