Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
