Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
