did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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