I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
