so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
