I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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