I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
