Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
