Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
