Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
