hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
