It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
