I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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