well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am mentally ready for anal.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
