proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
The beer is more important than you right now.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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