I think scott just propositioned me for sex
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
