I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
