I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
