Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
