I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
