Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
