I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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