Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
you never un-have a 4some
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
